Aalto OpenLearning

While in the D.C. area last month, a couple of my cousins¹ (“Jack” and “Jill”) were gracious enough to host Lady Champ and I the first night (Friday) of our weekend there.

After dinner, we all retreated to Jack’s basement man cave –  a “Damn!!!” inducing space (I literally said “Damn!!!” to myself when I first walked down there) complete with a pool table, a putting range, a private bathroom, and a 75 inch theater style HD projector screen. While down there, we watched an episode of “The King of Queens” that centered around Carrie (the surprisingly attractive Leah Remini) finding out that Doug (Kevin James) kills her whenever he fantasizes about other women. Well, he doesn’t actually like, murder her, but he always finds a way to make sure that she’s dead when he’s thinking about other women. Why? Well, so he can have a guilt-free fantasy.

Looking For Single Men? Join Loveawake free dating service:

American Men  |  Single Australian Guys |  African Men Dating |  Single Polish Guys Seeking Love |  Meet Mexican Men |  New Zealand Men |  Japanese Single Guys

During a commercial break, Lady Champ shot me an incredulous “This sure is a silly premise, aint it?” look. I “replied” by raising my eyebrows, shrugging my shoulders, and fake wincing — a look that was meant to say “Well…” When she shot back with a slightly disdainful/disgusted look of “Wait…don’t tell me you do this too,” I, well, I replied with the only way I could have possibly replied in this situation: I started playing with my phone.

Anyway, while it’s a widely known and accepted truth that men in relationships occasionally fantasize about other women, the idea that we sometimes have to find a way to “conveniently dispatch of” our significant others for some fantasies to work is something I’m sure that most women would rather not know, and I thought of a few other “hard to hear” facts that also qualify.

While we’re still on fantasies…

2. If in the right mood, we can get off on…anything

Seriously, just last week I had a seven and a half minute conversation with a friend that revolved around the fleeting joy of watching a women accidentally reveal a sliver of a thong. If fact, one of us (I’m not saying exactly who, but it wasn’t me) even said that he makes sure to watch women get up from chairs just so he can possibly see that.

Think this is creepy? I’ll do you one creepier: From a peek of a hair on an attractive women’s shoulder blade to a sound a women makes when she eats crackers, there are literally no limits to what can possibly induce arousal and pop up in our minds later when we’re ***insert word that starts with “m” and rhymes with “grasserfating”***

3. We all think that you all have waaaaaaaaaaaay too much sh*t.

None of us are quite sure why every women we’ve ever known has enough useless shit in her apartment/house/studio/attic to fully furnish a f*cking aircraft carrier, and we’d actually prefer to stay in the dark about that. Trust me, our imagined reasons (ie: “I guess she just likes to buy useless sh*t”) are much better than asking and finding out that you have 26 pillows on your bed because you needed a place to store the remains of all of your exes.

4. Sometimes we really do forget to put the toilet seat down. In fact, most of the time this is an honest mistake. But, sometimes we do that sh*t intentionally.

Why? Well, there are myriad possible reasons for this, but two are a bit more prevalent than the others.

A) We’re tired of you asking us to do something that might take you a fourth of a second to rectify, so we leave it up out of spite

B) We’re curious to see if your anti-Marco Polo ass will actually fall in.

5. We “fake it” too.

I know I’ve already said this. In fact, it’s in “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night.” But, like “The Lakers are a bunch of bitchmade, cheap-shotting, bitch-ass bitches” this is a fact that bears repeating just in case anyone didn’t hear it the first time.

Anyway, falks, that’s it for me today. Men, can you think of any other “male trueisms” that women probably don’t want to know? Also, ladies, feel free to add you own list of things you think we don’t want to know about you. (even though we probably already do know, and just don’t care)

¹Relatively young (both in their mid-40′s), successful, and successfully married (they were celebrating their 22nd anniversary that weekend, and they’ve raised a beautiful and intelligent daughter), they’ve always been role models to me. I’ve even joked with them that they’re the “literal manifestation of the Very Smart ideal” (whatever the hell that means), and I used this opportunity to spy on them a bit. Not “spy” in the “snooping around, checking file cabinets and shit” sense, but “spy” in the “I don’t have much experience seeing couples your age who have been together that long, so I’m going to pay attention to how you interact with each other” sense.